Non(sense)-Duality

Is my hair tidy? Are any strands out of place? Oh no, is my hair turning more grey. Is that a new wrinkle.

Am I putting on weight? Am I losing too much weight? Do I have it in me to workout more because I would love to look fit and athletic.

Are there any features that are particularly striking? Do I have good cheek bones, are my lips plump enough, do I look put together such everything is perfect. Or is everything in a perfect amount of disarray because I want to show I don’t care about looking perfect.

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How do I look with my friends in this photo. Does it look like I’m happy and fun loving? Does this photo show my good side, does it show me in a flattering light.

How do I look?

How do I look?

Do I look with warm eyes not because I know how to make a smile go to my eyes but because there’s a warmth somewhere that radiates out of me.

Do I look at you with compassion and peace because I see your pain is my pain and because I know I no longer need anything from you.

Do I look at everything with interest and curiosity because i am interested and curious.

How do I look?

At couples holding hands? With envy. With cynicism. Disapproval. I don’t like PDA. He’s more handsome than her, what’s he doing with her. She’s more handsome than him, what’s she doing with him.

How do I look at strangers? With suspicion. With a practiced friendliness. Or I don’t look at them at all because they are not important.

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How do I look at this loneliness inside me? How do I look at this little ache?

I push it down. Figure out ways to get rid of it. Fix it with a new relationship. Cover it with a veneer of I don’t need anybody or a veneer of busy. Reject it, bully it. Hate it.

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I’ve been looking at how I look and wondering why on earth would I want to look the way I do.