Non(sense)-Duality

Is my hair tidy? Are any strands out of place? Oh no, is my hair turning more grey. Is that a new wrinkle.

Am I putting on weight? Am I losing too much weight? Do I have it in me to workout more because I would love to look fit and athletic.

Are there any features that are particularly striking? Do I have good cheek bones, are my lips plump enough, do I look put together such everything is perfect. Or is everything in a perfect amount of disarray because I want to show I don’t care about looking perfect.

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How do I look with my friends at the bar in this photo. Does it look like I’m happy and fun loving? Does this photo show my good side, does it show me in a flattering light.

How do I look?

How do I look?

Do I look with warm eyes not because I know how to make a smile go to my eyes but because there’s a warmth somewhere that radiates out of me.

Do I look at you with compassion and peace because I see your pain is my pain and because I know I no longer need anything from you.

Do I look at everything with interest and curiosity because i am interested and curious.

How do I look?

At couples holding hands? With envy. With cynicism. Disapproval. I don’t like PDA. He’s more handsome than her, what’s he doing with her. She’s more handsome than him, what’s she doing with him.

How do I look at strangers? With suspicion. With a practiced friendliness. Or I don’t look at them at all because they are not important.

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How do I look at this loneliness inside me? How do I look at this little ache?

I push it down. Figure out ways to get rid of it. Fix it with a new relationship. Cover it with a veneer of I don’t need anybody or a veneer of busy. Reject it, bully it. Hate it.

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The answer to the question how do I look can only be found in looking at how I look.